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Walking in my own shoes

Posted on December 02 2014

How did this happen to me? I grew up in a loving home, was a "good girl," active at church and in my youth group my Daddy's baby who paid 100% of my College,Made good grades, better than average IQ, creative, and was an amazing Multitasker (I only later found out it was a high functioning form of ADHD). What does this all have to do with self injury you ask? Unlike most I can say it was only as an adult that I slowly but surely found myself coping with other problems in my life by cutting peeling clipping how ever I could get it done and yes hide what I was doing from the people around me. I have read and heard others' stories of hiding cuts on their arms and legs. I am sure I am not the only one but not only do I get a rush from seeing how much I can peel off the bottom or side of my foot without it bleeding, but when it does stop I will cut the skin off and then take comfort in pampering the injury with antibiotic cream, cotton dressing and tape. Next day I get punished for it by having pain when I walk, therefore my title "Walking In My Own Shoes" When did this start? A good question. I remember my childhood and high school days as good ones happy ones. My second semester at University I met a guy who was charming and as I look back over the years very controlling and it turns out after being engaged over 2 years and getting married and having a child together after 2 years in the marriage he had been cheating all along. So after a total of 10 years together with my parents help I managed to leave him to start a new life with my son. Again in retrospect I knew after meeting this person and dating for awhile I had wound up going to the student counselling for help with anxiety while continuing with my education. I had issues later on with depression when I found out my now ex-husband in The Middle east during Desert Shield / Desert Storm was having one if not a multitude of affairs over a 9-month period that didn't have anything to do with the other. Fast forward to when I met my (now) husband about a year and 1/2 after my divorce. A friend of my brothers from work as well as a work sponsored charity bicycle team. The only catch was he lived 300 miles west of me in the Nashville area. That didn't hinder us we spoke every day and every 2nd weekend he was able to travel and stay with my parents so we could see each other. Even our sons were only 10 months apart! I had never been so in love and we wanted the same things out of life had the same standards, and came from the same type of background. My parents loved him, and my brother gave him the thumbs up and his house was only 10 minutes from my (now) husband. It wasn't long before we were engaged and a month or so later married. 19 and 1/2 years later we are still going strong due to taking our vows seriously. My stress started when my son (8 years old) started to cause issues with the your not my daddy attitude. Dealing with no child support from my ex and ADD issues at school with both boys. within 3 months of moving I was happy even with the stresses. I was a stay at home mom for about 8 months to allow us all to settle in and me to get to know the area and my Step-Son. By the 3d month my husband asked if I was happy and I said of course why? he said you are not acting like you are....I had recently pulled an inner thigh muscle while jogging with our dog due to an irresponsible dog owner down the road. It was slow in getting better I was achie and felt tired like I had the flu. he quickly made me a Dr's appt with his group and after an exam and blood tests it was diagnosed as possible lupus and I was referred to a rheumatologist who went back and forth between Lupus and Fibromyalgia as my blood tests went back and forth. I was getting board staying at home with the children at school so I became a 9-5 professional again while participating in a local inter-city ministry for women and children. After 5 years I began to feel as if I couldn't work like I had been so I quit for awhile I think that is truly when my self injury started in earnest. Here I was 35-36 years old though not overweight in any way felt the need to hide snacks and candy (If no one saw it happen there was no calories involved) Yes I was /am funny, can give a great presentation, (Now) a former corporate management employee who traveled went to conferences had friendships with CEO's CFO's etc from different industries (Friends used to tease me and call me a megalomaniac LOL!) but that was my cover. Anxiety Depression ADHD Migraines IBS FMS CFS Hypothyroid soon to be followed by (thank goodness) slow moving Osteoporosis & Osteopenia and very painful interstitial cystitis and some weight gain due to meds I have to think before I eat! LOL! And with each medical issue and with each difficulty in not being the person I was or the person I thought I should be I became worse and worse thinking I could hide it. My husband finally confronted me about what I was doing many years later my mom has figured it out, my Psychiatrist knows my Therapist knows and my primary care knows. It is a concern. I would not take my own life but this is a monster that I may win the occasional battle when I take my meds regularly and keep busy with my dogs and other things but I haven't even come close to winning the war. What is really the kicker is I am a true believer in God, Christ and the Holy Spirit and I know in my heart it is not right for me to injure myself with intent. But I also know God is there to help me get through anything That I ask. I know he understands my illnesses and understands and forgives my weaknesses. No I don't see myself getting better anytime soon but I do see myself trying again and again and one day I will be able to go a bit longer between injuries and then a bit longer and a bit longer until I am better or God calls me home in his own time. Not only am I buying this bracelet for research in the field of study I am buying it to wear and remind me to not injure myself and to pray for others who do that we all may find our way to peace.