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The Night I Lost Myself

Posted on April 02 2013

Eight months ago I had just gotten a promotion at the grocery store I worked for. My job had me in the big walk in freezer and one night I was rushing to try to get home to skype my spouse I hadnt seen in a week. I slipped on a chunk of ice and hit my head on the diamond plated steel that covered the concrete below. They were unforgiving and my head took the blow. I passed out I dont know how long for though and I tried to continue working. I wanted to get home. But I wasnt feeling well and wound up having my Mom come fetch me when I realized I couldnt trust myself to walk home. I was sick feeling and when my mum showed up my speech was slurred and I couldnt put my words together. I spent the night in the hospital and was diagnosed with a concussion. I figured it was simple- some sleep and I would be fine. I had work to do a life to live My birthday was two weeks away and my Nik was going to be coming home soon. I didnt get better. Actually in the next two days I declined. I couldnt tie my shoes hold a conversation I couldnt even write. That weekend I went out with mom for mothers day and the waiter thought I was Autistic. Ive always been a smart girl and independant and suddenly I couldnt do anything on my own and to top it off the headaches made me want to die. It was three months before a doctor diagnosed me with Post Concussion Syndrome. By this point I could talk but not put my thoughts together well and my emotions were erratic. Easily angered and anxious it was like a totally different me. My spouse left and I had to fight alone with only Mom for help. I lost my ability to do math and my memory became dull. I was losing everything I elt made me whi I was. It was then I started getting “mind blanks” or periods of time where I would have no recolection of anything done or said. Id be doing one thing then doing something else and have no idea how. I was put into therepy and I have spend every day fighting to regain who I am. I had it all ripped away and I feel so stupid anymore even with the progress made. Sometimes its hard to be brave when you feel like itll never get better. But I am trying and I know out there there are more people like me who just had a slip and lost it all. Its hard to rebuild but its all I have left.

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