Shine On – Bravelets

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Shine On

Posted on January 23 2016

Shine On
On March 27th 2013 I lost my Angel Robert, I carried him for almost 6 months and I lost him due to a condition called preeclampsia, a condition that causes high blood pressure for the mother, possibly fatal in extreme cases. I was a extreme case, my organs were failing and I was told the only cure was to deliver. I risked the chance of a hysterectomy by having a emergency classical c section. Robert lived for 21 minutes and was 11 ounces, I held him for a short while and can still see him beautiful face when I close my eyes. We visited his graveside often and I miss him every minute of everyday.

After a year I was told it was safe to try again, since the doctor was able to save my uterus. That year was the worst year of my life. I try to describe the pain and sadness, however it impossible to describe in words it's something that is just felt, if that makes sense?

I found out later that year that I was expecting a little girl. We were nervous, excited, scared, one again a indescribable emotion. I made it almost 8 months with Sophia I was put on bed rest for 6 of them to be cautious. On September 23rd I lost Sophia from the obrubting of my uterus the incision of my previous loss. I was rushed into the er and everything happened very quickly I had lost 3 units of blood and I almost lost my life that day, in a way I did, I lost my little girl and Robert and Sophia are my life. Now I just live a different life day by day minute by minute, emotion by emotion. Sophia was not alive when she was born, I got to hold her ans she looked just like me.

Loosing her was something that should not have happened, I was broken. I don't know why these events happened or why it was me that had to live through these events and why my babies could not have lived. Now I just move forward, it's took me a long time to get here.

I have spent the last year in hiding, I lost contact with everyone close to me, I shut down as well as my husband. I always feel guilty not talking about my husband stuggle, but like I said I cannot feel for him or anyone else, our feelings are our own.

One day, I Peeled myself out of bed, started talking to professionals, and decided I had to do something. I know that for me helping others would be how I can start to heal.

Since then, I have started telling my story. I have started a non profit dedicated to my angels and inspired by my experience called Shine On. I stated making care packages for women who have lost children, just with the hopes of a glimpse of shine to their day. I include donated items such as journals, candles etc as well as a anonymous card and limelight lipgloss from me. So far we have sent over 25 packages across the state and are ready to send more! Thanks to many donations and events we are able to help mothers In need.
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