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Posted on March 17 2014
I had been at work, the girls had a "fight" with my husband. He became agitated, broke the glass out on the front of the stove by throwing a mixing bowl. The girls called me & all the kids went to a friend's house. My husband, gathered his "supplies" & drove up the canyon from our home where he overdosed. He was found a few hours later by a passer by, his truck hanging onto a guardrail by the back bumper.
He was "rescued", placed on a ventilator, flown to a major hospital. After much discussion with the physicians & hospital ethics committee, it was determined that his advanced directive & living will would be honored allowing for no further treatment for a futile case. He died about 38 hours after his attempt.
I am a nurse. I took this very hard because I had fought so hard to try to help him with his ever increasing physical disabilities over the years. Rheumatoid arthritis, degenerative joint disease, chronic pain, & depression took from him everything he enjoyed. To this day, I still fight with guilt & pain. I'm slowly overcoming it. I hospitalized one of my daughters within 6 months of his attempt for her own attempt. I've contemplated it more than once myself. It's been a struggle, but my family has toughed it out & is moving forward.
I am very grateful for my friends who stuck by me & held my hand through the last 21 months. It has been a rough road & I know there are more trials & emotions to deal with in the future.
The bravelets website was introduced to me by my niece. I now have my own daily reminder of my reasons to stay strong, to "be brave", & to LIVE LIFE. Never give up, never surrender. I wish all of you struggling with suicide, as personal survivors or survivors of friend/family suicide, strength in your life to carry on with each day & each moment. There is hope out there on the other side of the fog, I promise. Just keep moving forward. I don't care if it is an inch at a time, keep moving forward. There will come a day when you will be able to look back & say: "I survived this. It was hard, but I am stronger now because of it."
My past does not define me, it's just a story of where I've been.
Be strong, be brave, have hope.