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My lowest point
Posted on February 18 2015
On September 27th 2012 I did the unthinkable. After I had written my goodbyes down on a piece of paper, I grabbed a couple of handfuls of sleeping pills and washed them down with water. I laid there crying because I just couldn't think of any other way to cope with my constant feeling of worthlessness... I don't know how long it had been or what had happened but I very groggily awoke in a hospital bed. I can't even tell you who was there or what was said but I knew that for some reason I hadn't died.
When I finally gained consciousness my mom informed me with tears in her eyes that she had found me and the ambulance had rushed me to the hospital. My dad had been out of town on business but when my mom told him what I had done he got the next ticket home. When he finally arrived, he hugged me while crying. I never saw my father really cry before that. That's when things sunk in for me.
I spent the next week in a psychiatric facility where I unwillingly participated in group therapy sessions and activities so that I could be released as soon as possible. When I was finally released after the weekend, I was given medications for clinical depression and anxiety and it was recommended that I visit a psychologist and psychiatrist once a week. When I finally agreed to go to outpatient psychiatry, I found out it was nothing like the movies. Everyone around me in the waiting rooms was much older and looked...so sad.
It took months of close monitoring and changing medications before I can truly say I was mentally stable. It was a long journey and by no means easy but I got the help I needed. Through all of this, I had the most amazing support system: my mom, my dad, my sister and my best friend (whose cousin committed suicide a few years before). I can honestly say that without their love, support and constant encouragement that I would not be where I am today. After 2 and a half years of taking medications daily and seeing my doctors regularly, I am mentally stable and the happiest I have ever been. I only see my doctors once every 3 months now and they say I have done a complete 180.
I haven't told my story to anyone really, other than my best friends and boyfriend who have been nothing short of amazing and supportive but I think part of healing is sharing your story which is why I'm sharing it today.
I want you to know that I didn't try to kill myself due to anything in particular. I had thought about it for a long time. Depression is a disease. And because I was so depressed I honestly believed I was worth nothing and that my loved ones lives would be better off without me. I just felt like a constant disappointment and I hated myself. And the thing is, unless you were extremely close to me, you would have never known how depressed I truly was. If you didn't really know me you would have never have guessed that I suffered from mental illness because why would a girl who seems to have everything going for her be depressed?
I want people to know that depression doesn't have a look to it. It's not a choice people make... It's a chemical imbalance. And people that struggle with this mental illness don't usually speak up about it because it's seen as a weakness and its not something to be proud of. I am sharing my story so people know that if you have depression, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Don't get so low that you make the same decision I made to end my life because you might not be so lucky to get a second chance at life. I thank God for every day I have on this earth and I'm so thankful that my mom found me in time to save my life. If you reach out I promise there will be someone there to help. There are people that care about you.
I hope me sharing my story helps someone to be brave and speak up and get help.