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multiple personaility to certified recovery specialist
Posted on April 23 2016
I wrote on a note on Facebook on February 24, 2010 titling the note “The mind of peace after the storm.”
How do I share what it had been like for me? I saw myself explaining how busy and noisy it had been in my head. The nosiness could be compared to having a room full of people with everyone talking at once. The volume increasing and increasing until I shouted, “Shut UP!” My head would hurt to the point it felt like a vice wrapped around it and that vice was about to break open. Now, today as I write this note and observe after the storm, the curtain comes down on the scene, a hushness, a quiet. Praise the LORD for a quiet mind.
Then just two months later as I walked on my lunch break from my employment office as a paralegal I wrote another note on April 29, 2010 and titled it “Reflection on my life and where I am today.”
It is so great to be able to walk at lunch time. I just realized yesterday that just a few short months ago I was not able to appreciate the color of the trees, leaves, sky and anything around me. I could not smell the beauty in the air. I could not watch the expressions on the people’s faces so absorbed in my own problems and missing the joy of living day to day……..and in a few months, years down the road from now, I will be able to look back on this day and say, “That was where I used to be and I have come so far with God and the tools and people he has sent to me and provided for me.” In those later years from now, my goal of reaching others through my purpose and destiny will be a reality and not just a dream that I am shown now!
Wow. When I read over my notes or journey entries I can see how far I really have come. I have always been a goal setter. I made plans for the future and took small steps towards those goals. I wanted more than welfare and wanted to break out of that mold in my family and go to college starting to plan these steps from the age of 12. Many negative remarks to me even from my own mother that going to college would be too hard for me and I would fail didn’t stop me from pursuing this goal. My high school counselor told me to just get accepted and then we would find the money somewhere to pay for college. He had seen three of my older siblings drop out of high school and he wanted just one of us to walk into our dreams. I wanted a career though that would allow me to have a job anywhere I lived. I felt nursing would give me this chance. I didn’t go to school to “help people” as most answer to be coming a nurse. No, I became a nurse for financial reasons and job opportunities.
It wasn’t the college course work that would cause me to fail my first year but discovering my fear of men. Where did this fear come from? I had no memories then of the childhood sexual and emotional abuse I survived at ages 9 and 10 by creating other parts to handle the abuse. I had no memories from before 6th grade. I had to leave nursing school and return to home with my mom who had said I would fail. This caused such a desperate feeling and I went into my first deep depression and was suicidal. I began my first mental health counseling at age 19.
Taking off two years and working at a nursing home facing my fears of men by taking care of the male patients when I could was successful. There was this giant fear inside that I did not understand. I had to hide it as I did patient care. But inside, my heart was beating so fast.
I did overcame my fears and returned to nursing school having a greater rapport with the male patients than with female patients. I could joke with the men now. Years later this was useful in that I worked at the male prison in Kentucky on the hospital unit. There would be up to 16 men, a guard, and a locked elevator. I didn’t know their crime. I saw them as born innocent babies but they took the wrong path or made wrong choices. We were able to laugh together and I gave them the same care I would in a regular hospital unit. I didn’t see their deficits or the crimes they had committed.
In the same way today, I believe I and others are not our diagnosis and therefore I do not have our groups start with announcing our diagnosis. We were innocent babies and then life happened. We are able to walk into mental health recovery. We may always have this diagnosis but we can be who we are as a whole person and walking into wellness.
I have had mental health counseling since age 19 but I had not started recovery until 2008, when I adopted two Siamese kittens as babies. I had responsibility now and had a reason to live. They are part of my recovery story. I also took dialectic behavioral therapy, a year-long program in 2009 that helped the borderline diagnosed part of me. It helped me learn new coping skills while I graduated from paralegal studies and started my employment as a paralegal.
Today my dreams and visions as seen in 2010 is a reality. I am now walking with my peers giving hope through support. This is my greatest achievement, becoming a certified recovery specialist. I founded Dove Support Ministry Inc. in 2012, a 501c3 public charity through grant funding from Division of Mental Health and Addictions and we are serving those with mental health and addiction diagnosis in Southern Indiana counties mostly Floyd and Clark right now. An education support program was developed through grant funding this year called Pathways to HOPE. We now have grant funding and started a Peer Run Recovery Center.