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Posted on May 01 2015
im not much of a talker or gossiper,i just enjoy watching the world, people or animals,
and what they do,how they do it. Thats the best way i can learn and absorb things,all i have to do is watch you one time. Thats my own weird system that not too many understand. I never have been able to fit anywhere and alot of people i've known in the past that i tried repeatedly to squeeze in, have always pushed and forced putting loads of pressure. Than others from way back who just picked and tortered , all because they dont see or understand my system. All they see is their system their rules if you dont learn them and follow them your bad! or stupid! Well thats the impression i always got than. I had my mom and sister, but in a way i still felt so alone and outcasted, because nothing made sense to me,anything and everything anyone ever did,it just made no sense. I couldnt be myself,which was really really weird,i just wasnt your average kid or human. I loved to hang with the adults in the room and just listen in the back instead of playing outside or in the room with the other kids! Actually i still do that! And when i wasnt doing that or got chased away,i sat by myself,talk to the voices in my head. People just made me feel so aukward, i was afraid to talk to them, and they pushed picked and teased which made it worse. I was evan afraid to be friends with the nerds, the bullied people, because others would look at you with that evil eye,well i felt it before it happened,just that feeling you get, so i stayed to myself, to avoid confrontation. I actually hated school because every human being that worked there was just mean,yea teachers principles therapists! yea they all were, bullys. Because they didnt understand me and the things i did, and why. So they all were frustrated. And home finally! hell no. The first 12 years of my life was absolute hell, and my mom was just as weird and scared as i was. I couldnt get a break at school or home, no bad vibes but the roomate helping my mom out,whatever..was a complete nightmare to me. I was always in trouble for the most random things, just for being weird,guilty, slower and not grasping the same techniques as the rest! After those 12 misery years they moved to ky and we FUCKING ran! to umm lol florida! It was great relief we all could be ourselves and live free. We were happy. School was still a struggle, no one ever knew how to get in me, and i was always sick. But home was a safe spot.
Through the years we lived in freedom, moved to CA and learned so much about nutrition and dog grooming
Thats where i finished school so peacefully,it was awesome, no one picked bullied bugged forced pressured. they just left you alone unless you asked! You do your work do your tests and you leave! And that independance was great for me,i was able to use my own system. And never had to talk.
That was the longest stay we ever had we always moved around, but we kept getting burned by people so we moved back to...florida! Thats when we got into social media which changed my life forever. Why? Because i could communicate i could write. We made alot of virtual friends and it was great being able to express myself. Just put a screen in my face and ill type your eyes off. Thats also when i got into poker! i played an online one kept winning over and over and i was hooked! No one taught me that it was just in me i guess. So i was motivated that i could do something really good! So a while later we get our first grooming shop and move again but still in FL and we meet someone in TX who loves poker too! He inspired motivated and taught me so much, i was able to play real money poker online and would win $20 then loose it then gain it. It went back and fourth. One day i think our shop was gone by this time, crazy partners not commiting, and i found out about this poker player scotty nguyen on twitter so i followed him and he followed back! wtf! He evan was giving me free advice on poker through my dms! What an awesome guy,he too taught me alot and i just kept getting inspired. For awhile he would do these live chats where he just chatted with fans and when it was over i would go to play poker with my friend and i was playing just like him getting $4 each hand,it was like his energy channeled in me,i was playing really aggressive and winning alot just like him! This fire just entered my body,i had no fear.
So after awhile my friend kinda vanished we never knew what happened so i keep playing poker and winning some,and then they made online poker illegal and took it off! Us residants were not allowed to play so i was still able to play with my family, but i got bored there just wasnt much challange. And thats one thing that motivates me. So i still loved it but its been awhile since i played it. So being bored all the time now i try so hard to fit in with a group who again just never really got me, i always offended them because i talk from my soul and it comes out raw straight up no processing through the mind,and apparantly thats not ok to do in the normal world you obviously have to wrap it in plastic to keep it taped down like the monster it is and disguise it with BS! Because thats all they did, plastic fake BS. Sappy phony fake love. And drama and gossip like you wouldnt know. Finally we couldnt take it anymore, all the drama fake love and lies. So my sister straight up deleted them and finally my mom did but i was the sucker who kept trying to be nice fit in and really got my emotions beat up for it. Regret? no people like that make you stronger wiser and humble so thank you! For bullying me and making me who i am today. Making me weird real and raw and not plastic fake and normal! Finally what gave me the fucking courage to step away from all that negative BS,was my mom? noo! Were always batting our heads against each othere,like goats! my sister? no although they both are very supportive of me, but no. Well lets just say one day my sister was watching american idol auditions and i was walking down the livingroom just as this rocker guy was leaving the room with the judges as they said yes your in and he walks as i walk with his horns up and head down and i stop,back up and stare...Why does he look familiar? So i watched every week from then on and finally got his story and it clicked, he was me! The more i watched him i was in awe than i followed him on twitter and couldnt get away, everything made so much sense. For the first time in my life i felt connected. And i fit in his group! I could be myself no matter how weird or real i was. I wasnt alone anymore, they saw me.
I was devastated that he left idol and i couldnt go to the idol tour, but on march 11 11 i see james Durbin in clearwater, FL at petapalooza ! And i froze got my mom...is this for real? Is james really coming here?! We got the tickets,yep it was real it was official. And it was the best day ever! The show was awesome and was awesomer when he signed stuff. When it was my turn he asks for my name so i say abby he spells out A B B Y?! So i smile and shake my head yes And saw him smiling as he was writing. I was surprised that he remembered me from that one fan letter..that i forgot i evan sent! So that was awesome of him made me feel special,and he heard me and never said what because i talk soft and everyone always says what. So that rocked too! Than they said only one item so i gave him my durbin shirt so as i walked away he saw my cd packet and said you want that siged too? So i said sure and then thanked him. And before all this was when i got into reiki after my mom went to massage school, i would go with her after she graduated to listen to her talk to her teacher, i didnt talk but i loved listening to them! and feeling that energy. I was inspired to learn reiki! But what i realized was i learned it really fast because it was already in me. And after my reiki got put in my life thats when i started sleeping much better becuse i rarely slept and i was scared to sleep because i would hear or feel things and i didnt understand.
Then right after that i find this james durbin concert in biloxi! And it was may 24th! So i said we have to go! So we got those tickets,and it was march 30th and thats when he followed me! I was speechless that so many good things were happaning to me all at once. Was something bad gonna happan? Well it did try! Our car broke down but we said fucking no! So we rented a car got the time off work my birthday was awesome and we left! It went perfect and the show was evan more AWESOME and PERFECT. I was right in blakes face thats how close i was,i never had crowd courage but that night i squeezed in that hole and didnt move! When the show was over james left and i got this feeling that he was out in the lobby but my mom thought he went to his hotel to rest, with a phone dead and it being loud i was stuck which i regret and blame myself. Because he was out there and he did take some fan pics. I was as torn as when he left idol but worse because i really wanted to meet him,the one who saved me from the negative normal side that beat me down. So i asked heidi if he would sign my tour shirt and she said yes he definately would! So i did and got it back signed! really fast!
So as the months go by i get more and more respect for him because well he just see"s and hears me so clear. I ran out of durbin luck and missed alot of his shows. But during those times i would watch his live streams and stageit shows, he evan picked my request the kill! And did it awesome. And i wasnt able to watch that one because of internet but i still paid and tipped! Im crazy, But he deserved it. That concert he did in DC he said he still doesn't talk much or good without getting nervous and i just smiled and evan tweeted him about he gets nervous talking too i feel not alone with him and he rtd it:) And that was before his song not alone. So i see more and more that he rts tweets and answers my questions in his chats! So i have so much respect for him, hes a super hero to me. And so is heidi,she makes me smile so much and its always when im down. And they both inspire and motivate me so much, i have accomplished and changed so much all because of them. Their my virtual teachers who teach me every day just by watching and hearing them. If james can do it so can i! And i did everytime. Thankyou for giving me courage to leap and helping me believe in me. He makes me leap like a frog when i see a durbin anything! I wanna be there or do it!
Hes also inspired me to get back to drawing and making things. And his songs really connect and grasp my soul,they speak to me and comfort me. MOABD when it first released and i heard it,it was like he took that voice in me and let it out,because those lyrics,are exactly how i felt from then to now.
So recently i got my durbin luck back! But i already wrote a story on that adventure so not gonna add it here haha! I love teasing and joking,smiling and laughing. I just love humor!:)
Well hope you enjoyed my depressing but a uturn to happy story!
And honestly im not mad at those people that put me through hell
no hate vibes at all,i might feel really nervous and aukward though.
I really am thankful for all thats happaned to me,everything happens for a reason
it creates who you are.