Losing a Mother to Suicide
Posted on August 21 2014
My mom was a loving lady we were lucky she was raised t if we did wrong we were handled in the right way. As I grew up and Married we had one child Tina, never could anyone ask for a better child as her. Moma had 2 girls and 2 boys after all left the nest overtime we were close like best friends. Moma had been biboler and depressed,Our father was killed when I was a month old he was in the air force about to get out and we were moveing to Maine his home town ,her first love and everything was good, until the police came and she found he had been shot in a store while getting drink after squrriel hunting he was dead. My mom was 17 with 2 babys her life only went on for us but forever grieved for Daddy.She remarried and they had 2 boy's we were a family again and she seemed to do better only once and a while she was sad. As we got close we talked about him often, but she love me Dad who I only knew he will always be my Dad.Over the years they went everywhere together after 50yrs of marriage. Then my Mom we talked that night she was tired and so was I but we talked everytime we could and did many things together, she was my rock, see I have mental issues since I was 13 and still do.Bipolar manic depreesent and more my good days were really good,but the bad ones only mom knew I didn't tell anyone even her . I tried many times to committee suicide and came close a few times I am one who feels alone, but ones who see me can't tell I put up a good front when around family and friends and if all possable I stay home a lot alone I feel better that way. My husband has been with me 38yrs I love him dearly and he is one other then Moma who knows the signs and they last days or months or longer. My Mom committed suicide one week and a few days after mother's day. I didn't get to give her a card she went to the mountians and before Memorial Day she drove to her hunting stand 40minutes away that morning and was found their dead shot in her heart it was 11:00pm that night my brother found her and our world fell apart forever.I ended up one week before her birthday putting her card's in the casket I didn't hear her say you didn't have to do that hon or thank you with a hug like all the years before her arms were their her hands I touched I never cried and I can't cry now only in my dreams and not much sleep prevents that....Did I want to be with her everyday is a challenge and a thought. My Husband and daughter and 2 grandsons stop me ,by seeing there reaction to Moma they were10 and 8 yrs old. destroyed. Moma always was my love a special thing with daughters and my sister lived in Houston so we weren't around much. I was so mad t her and didn't understand why she did this to us? How could I be so mad I couldn't cry for her? Maybe I don 't except it? I questioned God on how he would let this happen...and still the number one is me how did I not hear or see it comeing We always did why not now? Did she really do this was someone else there?I never know and to believe it is true to this day I can't.. They say you have to let it go, well she didn't let me go those years of mental problems suicide's not my mom....Why do I people don't know the more they are close to you and the more your love grows and comfort builds she is here all the time. Over the years she was betrayed I won't say who ,but we never will forget who they were. In memory of my Mom I will not say...they don't deserve to be in the same sentence as her. A little part has come out but the truth said hasn't and till then I will be in the enemys camp close and it will come out one day. She will be at peace as she deserves to be and so will her family who loved her...I am not sure what happened that night but to say it changed her childerns and grands life is a understatement,it destroyed us everyday...