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Losing a Friend to Suicide

Posted on April 20 2014

I am not one for sharing my feelings at all or the experiences that I have been through.  In 2005 I lost my best friend suddenly.  My mom.  My ex relationship wasn't there for me, maybe because she couldn't handle it or she just didn't want to.  Either way I found myself alone with the exception of 2 people that didn't live near me.  I left that relationship and moved to the place where I felt I needed to be.  You see my other best friend, Lori lived in the town where my mom lived and every time I came to see my mom it was like a package deal.  Lori suffered from depression and was in a horrible relationship.  The person that she was in the relationship with no longer wanted us to be friends.  So it was at that time that I told her I would always be there for her, but could not be responsible for her relationship issues.  We stopped talking.  Then it happened, I broke my hip and she came to my bedside.  Stll unable to get back to where we were but just having her in my home mean't the world.  Then the next thing happened.  Her partner left her.  She felt sad, alone damaged, broke and angry that she had given up her friend for a person who was untrue.  She called me and I told her to come right over, only she was already at the front door.  Later that evening she was with some people and had shared her feelings for allowing herself to be dictated to.  It was a holiday weekend and she was to come to my home in the morning.  I started calling her at approximately 10:00 am to no avail.  As time when on I got a pain in my gut that felt different.  I knew something bad had happened.  I called her parents to ask if they had heard from her and her mother said she was suppose to be with me.  I proceeded home to get my new partner and her friend and went to Lori's house.  I couldn't get in the house and couldn't climb the wall due to my recent surgery, but my partner and her friend did.  I don't remember saying this, but I was told that I said for both of them to get off the wall.  And when they asked why, my response was, "If you have never seen a dead body, get off the wall."  I called her parents who brought keys.  I had my partner and her friend stay in my car as we proceeded in her home, calling her name and hearing a TV on.  Her dad first, myself and then her mom.  There she laid, with a gun shot wound to her head.  I limped out of the house screaming call 911 knowing there was nothing that could be done.  I am an EMT and her parents kept screaming at me to save her.  It was done, she succeeded.  When the Police and Fire arrived it was chaos. I asked if she left a note.  The Police said 3.  I was happy knowing that her parent had been left one. Little did I know, one of the 3 was for me the other to her aunt.  Short but meaningful.  She was left where she laid until the Coroner's Office came several hours later.  There was NO one to clean the mess that was left behind, so after her body was removed, I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed. I helped her parents with the arrangements, helped to clean out her home to sell and tried to move on.  As time went on, her parents blamed me, cut me out of there lives and never looked back.  I couldn't be to Lori what her parents wanted me to be.  Something Lori and I had discussed.  You see we were Best Friends.  The sister neither one of us had.  I loved her and miss her every day.  Lori thought she was doing everyone close to her a favor by relinquishing the burden of her depression by taking her life and by doing so left a emptiness and path of destruction.  She was kind hearted, warm, giving and loyal.  Her death destroyed me in many ways.  I never want to be close to anyone and have become quite a loner.  Do I want to die. No.  That will come soon enough, I just hope that this story will in some way touch those that are under some misguided notion that suicide is the way out and that those left behind will get over it.  We don't.

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