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Life cut short

Posted on September 02 2014

I always knew something was off growing up. My family was a little different, but we dare not let anyone know. In those days, people didn't let others know when they were struggling. It was weak, it hurt your pride, your reputation. People didn't want to be friends with weak people. So, my "weak" dad fought his fight in silence and killed himself at 49. My brother and I cleaned up the aftermath, literally. No one thinks of that do they? I'm sure my dad certainly did not. I knew in that pain my brother could NOT overcome this tragedy. We all tried to save him. We tried to go on, Adam did not, he went back. Angry, suffering, in pain. He ended his pain at 28. I live now without a father, without a big brother. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It's not fair. My daughter doesn't know them. My nephews, who were older at the time, now suffer a lot due to losing their Uncle Adam. It's mind-boggling the ripple effect of suicide. One life ends, but a hundred are affected and at least five destroyed. My life as I know it is destroyed. I am not the same and I never can be. My nephews, my sister, my brother's best friend. How can we ever look at ourselves? People say, you have to move on, you have to let it go. Heal. Heal? No, there is NO healing with suicide. It RIPS your soul and cannot be repaired. A betrayal. A life-long list of unanswered questions. I life-long knowing it could have been prevented. Could it have been you to prevent it? People always say, "No, no there wasn't anything you could have done." They must say that. Truth is, no one knows. Those left behind have to live with that. It is not to be shunned. It is not to be for the weak. For the "crazy" people. Human life is a gift and it's up to all of us to try to embrace that gift and ensure others can deal with their pain. Pain is real, pain is inevitable, but does not have to lead to a permanent end.

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