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I'm Still Here

Posted on August 12 2014

When I was a kid, I never thought that I would have to go through any hardships. But as I started nearing my high school graduation, I found that this was far from reality. I started noticing changes around my sophomore year. I had told a friend I had thought about committing suicide. And now that I look back on it, I'm not really sure why that friend didn't say something. My senior year was the worst year ever. I lost all of my friends.
This is what depression does to you.
It steals your life. Your friends. Your livelihood.
I found it extremely hard to concentrate as I went into my first year of college. Meanwhile, I had been moving out of my father's since we did not get along.
I pretty much failed my first year of college.
Because I was failing, I started cutting.
No one knew. If anybody noticed,they said nothing. I pretty much isolated myself and my 'friends' could care less.
Fast forward to the beginning of 2014.
My cutting had reached an uncontrollable high.
I wanted to kill myself.
I thought nobody cared.
Nobody understood me. Everybody had left me.
I did not have, and still don't have, the money to get help.
One afternoon, my boyfriend took me to the ER and I was hospitalized.

I could lie and tell you that I went into that behavioral unit and stayed and got better.

I didnt.

I stayed one night because I was terrified. I was getting no help while I was there so I signed myself out.

They wanted to hospitalize my against my will which I was ticked about. But I got to go home.

The first couple weeks, I felt a lot better. Like that hospital trip had given me a huge reality check.

When I think about dying it scares me.
The only reason it scared me was because all I could think about was leaving my family behind. And they mean everything to me.

Now it is August.
I still haven't gotten to see a professional, although I would really like to. I am taking medication for it but it can only help so much.

And honestly, I still feel really low a lot, but I can say that I am still living.

My greatest decision was the decision to live on when I wanted to disappear from this unfair world.

And you can live on as well.

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