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He's To Beautiful For Earth...

Posted on April 22 2016

He's To Beautiful For Earth...
Welcome to the hardest chapter in my life...

When I was a teenager doctors told me Id probably NEVER be able to conceive. Not naturally and not with out the help of medical assistance. So as I matured I just had it in my mind that this was hand of cards I was dealt... I was to young to question it, and to young to understand if this was Gods plan for me.

December 1St 2011 I became very ill and just assumed I had the flu, or some bug because I was so sick I couldn't even work! The idea of being pregnant didn't once cross my mind... My primary doctor saw me and said "you tested positive for the flu"... and I figured well there you go.. this is going to be horrible right before Christmas! After a few days, fluids and rest I felt a lot better and everything in the world was right again! :) I went back to work, exhausted, nauseous, hot and cold, and moody from all of these symptoms!.. Naturally I blamed it on the Flu and needing time to heal... When my period came but was very short and light I again blamed my body having the flu and being tired and kept moving forward... After weeks of not feeling well, being tired, and just not feeling like myself I knew something was wrong.. I decided one morning while I was working to take a pregnancy test, KNOWING in my mind it was going to be NEGATIVE I took it anyway... Was it possible? Could I be? A million "What If" possibilities ran through my mind... I took it and forgot about it.. Later that day I remembered I took it and ran to double check the result. In my mind it was already negative I picked it up and threw it out and didn't really check it... And as I threw it out I saw 2 lines! One pink and one blue... What does this even mean?!?! I panicked!.. I froze and a million different things crossed my mind...

Who do I tell first? Is it a false positive? Is everything okay because I just had the flu! The whole day I was scared, nervous, anxious, excited.. A million things ran through my mind... But at the very moment i saw those 2 lines... My heart became a mom...

The next few months I was in disbelief and a completely different person! I was thankful and blessed that God had favor in my life! Everyday for the first few months I worried, will I miscarry? Could something be wrong? Am I even ready for this?!...

13 weeks were slow and long... but they came and went! the pregnancy moved on and my belly grew... :) At 17 weeks we found out we were having a boy! His name would be Ronaldo after his daddy, Matteo which meant gift from God ... It was perfect Ronaldo Matteo Mota ...

Although everything seemed to be going well, I was having small contractions.... For several weeks this happened. Finally my instincts took me to the Emergency Room where the doctor did an exam and found that I was 4 centimeters dilated and in active labor...

I was only 21 weeks pregnant? How could I be in labor? What do I do? What will they do? Every minute was valuable and doctors seemed to be moving very quickly! I met with one doctor after another, one specialist after another... By the end of the day I was admitted and everyone seemed calm but nervous for me...

We played a waiting game.. I spent more time with specialists in the last 24 hours then I had spent with doctors in my entire life! In my mind we'd stay at the hospital on bed rest and everything would be okay.. Because in movies it always seemed okay?... Right?

Several days passed, it literally was a waiting game .. What will happen? What if he was born? What would happen?

Everyday doctors came in to update me on possibilities, worst case scenarios, and what ifs...
They mentally were trying to prepare me for the "worst"... We signed paper after paper, consent after consent... and then the moment NO parent wants to ever experience .. As we're signing page after page One page caught my attention... "final wishes and arrangements" why would ANY parent have to sign this?!?! I immediately stopped, became emotional and couldn't speak to or see another doctor! The instant realization of what was happening.. happened... My heart hurt and became heavy, my thinking process was delayed, and all I could do was cry...
I went to bed that night with cramping, and in a way prepared myself for whatever may or may not happen to me and to him.. I don't remember sleeping that night, I always knew what time it was... Subconsciously I wanted to spend time with him, alone time... because my heart knew the outcome... The sun came up and I remember saying to myself "another night came and went"..at this point I was literally buying time... Everyday meant we were closer to the 24 week mark where doctors wanted us to be! The morning seemed pretty normal, it went really quickly... as the afternoon approached, I became uncomfortable, crampy, and in pain.. I just breathed my way through it... By late afternoon My heart, mind, and body knew it was time.. I knew I was in labor.. The pain became unbearable and there was nothing anyone could do to stop this from happening... It lasted for about an hour and the last 10 minutes was so bad I almost thought I couldn't get through it... As things started to calm down, with a relaxed push he came out slowly and gracefully... Before I could even see him the doctor rushed him away! They focused on me, cleaning me up and let me recover for several minutes while the doctors cared for him in a different room... In my mind I still was unsure as to what would happen.. what was happening... or what was next?

In what seemed like days the doctor came back to our room and prepped us for what was about to happen... We'd be meeting the son we just gave birth to, but he was not alive... He was born prematurely at 21 weeks and was to young to survive breathing on his own... and to small to endure breathing assistance... He lived for several minutes and then he grew wings and went to be with the Lord...

We spent the entire afternoon with him, he was beautiful like a little baby doll, all of his features were perfect and developed, he was a beautiful peach color and covered in little blonde fuzzy hair :) He was baptized by a wonderful woman, she did the whole ceremony there in our room with our family ...

We went home the next day with the memory of him, and a beautiful box the nurses has created for us... but NOT him.. We left him at the hospital for the funeral director to take care of his final arrangements...

Over the next few days, we grieved and cried and had to make all of the final arrangements for his burial..

Time went on, things got easier, we miss him with every breathe we take, and there isn't a moment I'm not thinking about him... God had favor in our lives and 3 months later we conceived again! We met with many specialists and doctors to be sure we didn't experience the same thing again... At 16 weeks pregnant with our son we went through a procedure called "Shirodkar Cerclage" where the cervix was stitched closed giving the pregnancy the best advantage to grow to full term! After countless doctors appointments, ultrasounds, and a progesterone injection weekly we have a beautiful baby boy!

We support the March of Dimes because we want to help parents just like us all over the world! Help make a difference in someone's lives today! Help them continue to do research and decrease prematurity and infant loss!

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