Hat Daze and Music – Bravelets

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Hat Daze and Music

Posted on July 26 2015

Hat Daze and Music
I wear hats to keep focused on a task, it helps hold my thoughts together;I didn't always wear hats. At bedtime I put on my earphones and listen to music to go to sleep. It helps my thoughts, that are racing, to concentrate on one thing. I didn't always listen to music. These are two of my coping mechanisms.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar I in 1998 after living with it since my teens. I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom, rocking back and forth . The door was locked and I was thinking about suicide. I truly believe that if I had had a gun I wouldn't be here today. I finally got up and put a hole in the wall, unlocked the door, went downstairs and told my partner, I needed to see a psychologist. I had to get help!

She said I was probably suffering from depression. It made sense since my mom, her two brothers, and mother had had it too. I got a psychiatrist and that was her diagnosis, too. About two weeks later I went on a spending spree and was happy, overly happy.Soon after that I started having sex. In a session my psychologist suggested I was bipolar and was having a manic episode. I saw my psychiatrist and she diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I cycled rapidly for 15 years. At one point I was on 13 different medications to try and control it. Finally in 2013 I saw a holistic psychiatrist. He weened me off all but five meds. He put me on a vitamin regime. I began to cycle less. Then he retired.

My new psychiatrist weened me off one more and lowered the dosage of another one. Today I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I still wear hats and listen to music but on a day to day basis I usually am even keeled. I still have some cycling but it's infrequent now.

At my worse I could see one Denise ranting and another calm one trying to pull her back in. At my best I buy because I can afford it, have been having appropriate sex and dance because I am happy not manic.
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