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An Infinite Mind
Posted on January 24 2015
My parents divorced when I was 3. My dad had been sexually abusing me since before I could talk. Growing up was relatively normal...as normal as it could be. I honestly forgot all that dad did. I put it away in my mind.
I met him in 2010 for the first time in 18 years. I wanted to...I felt I was ready. It had been a desire for many years, especially my college years. Meeting him opened up the world I had locked away as a child. All of a sudden I was flooded with memories, body memories, flashbacks, and parts. I was DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) but didn't know it until I met him. I also had PTSD but didn't know that, either.
My DID seemed to 'go away' for a while when I went into a treatment program for 6 months. When I graduated that program, I thought I was done...done with my past and all it held...but I was wrong.
That was in 2012. 2014 was a year of chaos...my DID made itself fully known and I gained a little better understanding of my PTSD. My DID is pretty mild compared to the stories you'll hear on TV or movies or elsewhere, but it affects me in many of the same ways. Self-injury is also a part of my life that I fight most days. I have many 'parts' (similar to personalities, but different), so an 'infinite mind' fits me well. I was delighted to see this cause listed, because DID and dissociative disorders are not very well known about. I'm glad there is a group like An Infinite Mind to educate people about these things.
As for me, I don't feel brave most days. Neither do I feel strong or courageous. Walking through this stuff is difficult, sometimes dark, and sometimes just seemingly impossible. Some days I feel like the darkness is going to swallow me alive, if I remain alive. The memories, flashbacks, body memories...they take me back to the times I don't want to remember, and they are hell. It's times like those that it's nice to look at my Bravelet and be reminded to be brave, as well as be reminded that darkness eventually gives way to light.